Working from home during lockdown is remarkably similar to being trapped in space. But you are in a smaller environment, you have no training and your relationship could crumble
A freezer packed with food. Tins bulging from kitchen cupboards. Wine, whisky and beer stashed away for when only that dull haze will do.
But after the frenetic days of preparing for lockdown, what now for couples and families whose new horizons are four walls and whose immediate company is, for now at least, reduced to those we love?
So, the question is, how do we keep our relationships open and loving during lockdown?
Adding to the mix of panic and anxiety, for some, is a primal fear of being trapped.
But anticipating problems can be key to nurturing relationships with those we love.
Empathy
The crisis has spawned a new lexicon. Where once there were “blackout babies,” we can now expect a wave of “coronababies” and a new generation of“quaranteens” in 2033. Couples whose marriages are fraying under the pressures of self-isolation could be heading for a “covidivorce.”
Zur’s main advice is to communicate: Empathy is key for couples and families alike.
She also shares three other pointers to help nudge our relationships in the right direction during quarantine: Structure, anticipitate and negotiate
Our daily routines have been shattered, structure that we took for granted has evaporated nearly overnight. Faced with this new reality, Zur’s advice is to quickly establish clear divisions of labour in the household, and to allocate tasks between couples and children.
Family members should try to be flexible and be prepared to take on different chores than prior to lockdown. These should be discussed so the plans feel fair and then reviewed after a few days to see if they are working.
And if you find yourself feeling that jobs carried out by family members are not up to your standards, keep quiet and turn a blind eye.
Calming conflicts has more than just emotional benefits. An Ohio State University study found that couples who regularly argue have reduced immune function. “Wound healing has been found to be impaired in married couples who showed higher levels of conflict,” says Robinson. And not just a little. High-conflict couples’ healing abilities decreased by 40 per cent versus their low-conflict counterparts.
Listen
At a time when we feel scared and stressed, we need to have time for calm and to listen to other people’s feelings.
Men have a tendency to try to problem-solve, but Zur urges everyone to focus on listening without judgement, dismissal or evaluation. Fear can look like anger, she adds, so if arguments erupt, don’t take it personally.
Covid-19 isn’t the only thing that’s contagious. “One person’s mood can be infectious to someone else,” says Robinson, explaining that survival studies have found that if people pull together as a team and have structure, they do really well, but if someone becomes despondent then the whole group feels worse. “So it’s about both trying to be optimistic.”
Quarantine in quarantine
We all have different needs, one of the most common being space.
But is also one of the hardest to give during a lockdown, when a couple or family are confined to the home for 24 hours a day.
Zur’s advice is practical. Establish a space within the space.
Find somewhere quiet to read a book. In France, we may all now have forms to fill in when we need to go out for a walk. But fill them out and when you do go out, make the most of it. Build them into your daily routine.
And if you need space but your partner doesn’t, make sure you accommodate their needs as well.
Finally, Zur urges couple not to act too fast if the pressures of lockdown lead them to think that it is their relationship that is the problem.
Recalling the divorce rate in China, she says that if couples had let the dust settle and paused before breaking up, perhaps problems could have been worked through.
Time together is precious. Perhaps, if we listen, learn, laugh and love we will be able to transform this new stress into strength.
Don’t turn into this couple.